It turns out I’ve had glandular fever. After weeks of feeling utterly rubbish my doctor ran some blood tests and they show that I’ve had glandular fever in the not so distant past (by my reckoning, I believe it was some time in February when it first struck). It’s no great surprise really – these past months I’ve had a lot on my plate and my stress levels have gone through the roof. It explains why I have been feeling so damn tired and lacking in energy, and also why I’ve been a bit depressed and down in the dumps. All in all, it is crap. I will get over it, but it will take time.
I’ve been off work for days and have tried to rest as much as possible. The problem I have is that although my body is resting, my mind is constantly racing. This is not a new thing – I have always found it hard to completely switch off. I am constantly mulling something over, worrying about something else and wondering about another thing, or three. While I find it quite easy to sit still, stopping the whirring of my brain is another thing. Stilling my mind, and completely relaxing is something that I would love to be able to master. I find that I am affected greatly by what is going on around me. Yes, I am a sensitive soul – which I believe is a great quality, but sometimes it is to my own detriment. I soak up sounds and noise like a sponge, and I wind myself up like a jack-in-a-box, set to spring at any moment. My neck is tense, my teeth grind and I know that I am holding anger and hurt and anxiety inside. And that is really not good for my health at all.
So, what to do? First up I must confront and sort out those issues that are bothering me and causing me anguish. I don’t think I’ll be able to solve them all at once, or particularly quickly, but I’d like to devise a plan to make them happen:
1. Find a happy home. Home is where the heart is and it is oh-so much my sanctuary. I am not happy where I am living now, aside from its location, so I need to find somewhere new. Must be close to friends, have a good vibe, be top floor (to avoid noise from neighbours above) and hopefully have a balcony and a view. Not too much to ask, is it.
2. Work out my work life. I am quite tied to my job because of visa issues, but I would like to get in charge of planning the next step: plan for PR. I can use my out of work time to write (this blog is a start) and get on top of where my career is heading. Making extra money would be good, as would doing some voluntary work – something that feels a little more worthwhile than the often vacuous world of magazines and media.
3. Boost my health. As is evident, my body has taken a battering and is not at its optimum right now. I’m pleased with myself for not drinking (today is day 30!) and I am taking a multitude of vitamins. All good. Points to improve on (once I’ve shaken off the glandular fever, and I must be patient and let my body heal) are exercise and diet. Forming a regular routine for a couple of days at the gym, some yoga and beach runs and then listing (and making) healthy meals that I actually enjoy eating and cooking will be good for me. Easy peasy.
4. Learn to meditate. Yoga does help clear my mind to a degree, but I could use some guidance with meditation. I have tried a couple of Saturday morning classes at Bondi Pavilion. These could be good again, or even an intensive course. There are meditation classes in Bondi Junction on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I will do those this week. Now there’s a positive start!
5. Buy a car. I miss my independence. I haven’t owned a car in years, not since I lived in Highgate, London, but I miss it. Public transport is all well and good for travel to work, but a car can let me explore this city and region that I am learning to call home to a greater degree. I don’t even want a flash new car, an old, beat-up character-filled auto will do me.
6. Stay in touch. I used to be a great letter writer. I wrote to my nana for years while I was at uni and in London. Now, with the advent of email, texting, Skype I’ve lost the knack a little. Living so far away from where I was born and grew up, and my friends, family and loved ones it’s important for my wellbeing to keep in touch. It’s no easy feat, but I pledge to make more of an effort to keep in touch with the people I hold dear, and hopefully it will encourage them to do the same with me.
7. Just do it. Whatever it is! I’d like to laugh, have fun and be carefree. Oh, wouldn’t we all! As I said, I’m a worrier and a constant procrastinator. So, I’ll make a huge effort to just do things, now. Fun things. Crappy things that I’d rather not do. Anything and everything. Actually doing something has to be better than just sitting around wondering ‘what if’.
image by corinne day
